Muthahood

my birth plan was two A4 pages long
colour coded • 12pt • bold typed
in my beloved trebuchet ms font

but when i finally got around to unpacking my hospital bag
weeks later
it was unopened
still
just
sitting
there

you see until
as a young intern
i’d overheard some colleagues
talking about the mythical epidural
that blocks out all pain
and allows one to breeze out a baby
like a soft unicorn fart
i hadn’t even agreed to have kids for my part
but they’d filled in the blanks when i’d quizzed them about it
so i went home
naive AF
and thought
yeahh
i
can
absolutely
do
this

narrator: she could not, in fact, absolutely do this

.but come back.
and then fast forward 12 months:
to a seat at the cinema
celebrating a positive pregnancy test
with a well timed trip to see Knocked Up at the movies
me laughing like an innocent little idiot
no idea how close to the bone it is
in that scene
when labour kicks in
and katherine heigl starts hollerin
waaay too late
for the drugs she’d sworn she wouldn’t take
and i uttered the now
famous
last
words:
i can tell you for shit sure that won’t be me
i ain’t that silly
trust me

narrator: *yawns, sarcastically*
hmm yeah here’s how it actually went down:
9 days before my due date
i took your classic overloaded pre-first-baby to do list
and headed into Mosman town
i walked the length & breadth of that village
crossing off tasks like a boss
then i headed back home
exhausted
all set to spend the next week getting blissfully well rested
because i am a l w a y s late to the party
and i expected no less of my appointment to meet miss Marley

narrator: nek minute
yeah nek minute i woke up and peed myself
well actually i quickly reassessed
and figured if that’s what just happened
somethin somethin just went seriously wrong with my pelvic health:
took two steps toward the kitchen
got booted hard from within
and clocked instinctively that
#thiswasthemuthafckingbeginning

contractions 3 minutes apart
from the start
i was soon asking my midwife about that unicorn fart
rudely told to wait until i was in “real labour”
*first baby so i sucked that shit up
*next baby i probably would’ve decked her!

fast forward a gruelling three hours later
and, despite my bloodcurdling requests
i’ve
still
had
NO
hard drugs.
whatsofcknever.
absolutely not what i signed up for

and then
f i n a l l y
the anaesthetist is free
and this golden epidural elixir is within reach
*jussssssst as soon as they’ve checked me over*
and
this
right here
is where we hit disaster

because i have waited
so
****ing
long
that this check up
reveals i’m now too far gone
and i
Charlie
*singer of the non negotiable epidural song*
am expected to deliver this baby
with nothing but gas and muthafcking oxygen

narrator: it would in fact be the staff sucking hard on gas and muthafcking oxygen…
…soooo yeah maybe i saw red mist
threw a l i t t l e shit fit
and tore everyone within a 10km radius a new whatsit
we allllll know i woulda kept it classy
but i’m thankful to mutha nature that she deleted any detailed memory
– unfortunately at this point she also completely fcked me
because adrenalin is the enemy of labour
so mine skidded to a halt right then & there:
no midwife, doctor or drug could restart her
end result: a c-section 2 hours later…

…and a mere 15 minutes
after a ten hour marathon to birth her
Marley arrived
and became my first daughter x


epilogue

now i wouldn’t call it bitter
when weeks later
i spied that neatly folded piece of colour coded paper
but i had designed the perfect birth
and the universe #basically looked over at me
and smirked
and it wasnt until a couple of years passed
in a rare moment of (snatched, toddler mum 🙋🏽‍♀️) reflection
as i booked in for my soon to be son’s elected c-section
a practice i now knew from my unplanned experience
to be
s c i e n t i f i c a l l y speaking
the true natural method of birthing
that i realised my wild unscheduled story
*for me*
had ultimately played out just perfectly
the first of many LiFE lessons i’d learn on this journey x

narrator: chuckles, knowingly & lines up chapters two and three


if you feel my vibe you can follow my TRiBE
and if you like where we’re going you can SHOP #MyMuthahoodPoems`